I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Sext me about skeletons
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
