Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
