i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
