I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
