Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
