obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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