I look better un-naked...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
