We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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