What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
