we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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