I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
