Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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