why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
