She's JV to your varsity
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Randomize
