I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
