Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
