My cat gives me a boner
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
