There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
