I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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