Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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