I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
