I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
