Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
wow bdsm is so cute
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
