im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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