I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
