Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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