I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i wish my penis had a tongue
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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