Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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