It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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