Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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