If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
