Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
