and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
