The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
