hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
