i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
