i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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