Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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