She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
