The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
