I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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