And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
did i walk over a car last night?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
