He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
