When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
