dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
