Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
