I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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