my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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