just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
