I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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