Christians are straight up FREAKS
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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