If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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