Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
