I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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