u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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