On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
