should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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