sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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